Punning

Punning

Caution to Youth of both sexes.

My little dears, who learn to read,

Pray early learn to shun

That very silly thing indeed

Which people call a pun.

Read Entick's rules, and 'twill be found

How simple an offence

It is make the self-same sound

Afford a double sense.

For instance, ale may make you ail,

Your aunt an ant may kill,

You in a vale may buy a veil,

And Bill may pay the bill.

Or if to France your bark you steer,

At Dover it may be,

A peer appears upon the pier,

Who blind, still goes to sea.

Thus one might say, when to a treat,

God friends accept our greeting'

'Tis meet that man who meet to eat

Should eat their meat when meeting

Brawn on the board's no bore indeed,

Although from bore prepared;

Nor can the fowl on which we feed,

Foul feeding be declared.

Thus one ripe fruit may be a pear

And yet be pared, again,

And still be one, which seemeth rare

Until we do explain.

It therefore should be all your aim

To speak with simple care;

For who, however fond of game,

Would choose to swallow hair?

A fat man's gait may make us smile,

Who has no gate to close!

The farmer sitting on his style,

No stylish person knows.

Perfumers men of scents must be;

Some Scilly men are bright;

A brown man oft deep read we see,

A black a wicked wight.

Most wealthy men good manors have,

However vulgar they;

And actors still the harder slave

The oftener they play.

So poets can't the baize obtain

Unless their tailors choose;

While grooms and coachmen not in vain

Each evening seek the Mews.

The dyer, who by dying lives,

A dire life maintains;

The glazier, it is known, receives

His profits for his paines.

By gardeners thyme is tide, 'tis true,

When spring is in its prime;

But time or tide won't wait for you

If you are tied to time

Then now you see, my little dears,

The way to make a pun;

A trick which you through coming years,

Should sedulously shun,

The fault admits of no defence;

For wheresoe'er 'tis found,

You sacrifice the sound for some,

The sense is never sound.

So let your word and actions too,

One single meaning prove,

And, just in all you say or do,

You'll gain esteem and love.

In mirth and play no harm you'll know,

When duty's task is done;

But parents ne'er should let ye go

Unpunished for a pun.

T. Hood (Thomas Hood)

1:49, p. 194

1828.02.29

From the Christmas Box